| Paddler's No No Nos for Your Company Holiday Party |
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| Written by Joe Jackson |
| Thursday, 29 November 2007 07:49 |
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1. Do not use the word “manky” more than three times in one conversation. It just isn’t professional. 2. Don’t get “boater philosophical” while talking to your boss. Extended metaphors comparing business life to paddling rarely come out as thoughtful as they seemed in your head, especially after your fourth glass of eggnog. 3. Don’t correct your boss’ wife when she tells you about how she was held under water for many minutes in a Class V rapid when you know it was less than five seconds in Class III. Regardless of how spurious her story may be, it has more ground to stand on than your job if you offend her. 4. Never ask movie trivia about Whitewater Summer. Kevin Bacon’s acting destroyed any chance that it will be interesting beyond your boater niche. Sidenote: The River Wild, A River Runs Through it, and—in just the right circumstance—Deliverance, are boater movies that your fellow workers will probably be able to relate to. 5. We know it’s your day off, but you still have to shower before you go to the party if you paddle in the morning. Years of consecutive fresh-scrubbed cleanliness can become quickly forgotten after one night of paddling funk. No one wants to be referred to as, “That mildew guy in the sales department.” 6. If a co-worker asks you to explain how boaters get back to their car at the end of a run, change the subject. Quickly. There are few bigger buzz kills than describing the logistics of shuttling. 7. Don’t “big league” your colleagues. No matter how much better your story—about the bear attacking your camp on day seven of a two-week, self-supported wilderness trip—is than any camping story they have to offer, one upping them will only breed contempt. 8. Regardless of how the Reindeer Punch tempts you to bring it up, remind yourself that you are the only one in the party who cares about a revolutionary new dry top. Gear talk is NEVER interesting to someone who doesn’t use it. 9. Don’t be too cool for a festive holiday sweater. They’re just good clean fun any paddler can enjoy. 10. Steer clear of lively debates about global warming at the end of the party. Many a paddler has become overly feisty about the subject after his or her fifth Santa’s Spiked Cider and created an awkward Monday. |
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