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< Nov/Dec 2002
	Features
Are You a Real Paddler Take the ultimate paddling test! Frederick Reimers

Do you use that boat, or do you just like to be seen around town with it on your roof rack? Did you buy that bent-shaft because of tendonitis, or to use up your REI credit? Are you sure you can tell the difference between a square knot and a granny? Just what kind of paddler are you? Are you too snotty to try other paddlesports because they’re too "dull" or, on the other hand, "heretical?" What started as an office competition in the hallowed halls of Paddler quickly ran amok into the following. Put a pencil in your calloused mitts and take the ultimate paddling quiz. Add up scores from all the disciplines and see how well-rounded you are. We’ll find out once and for all whether you’re a paddler or a pretender.

Canoeing

o Can you perform a J-stroke? (Score 1)

o Flip a canoe onto your head solo? (+5)

o Have you won a canoe jousting match? (+4)

o Done a portage over two miles long? (+5; during black fly season, +10)

o Used a tow cart to do it (-6)?

o Paddled under the northern lights? (+4)

o Paddled under the Arctic’s midnight sun? (+8)

o Built your own canoe? (+10; from birch bark, +50)

o Named your canoe? (+2)

o Completed a canoeing expedition of 15 or more days? (+6; add 1 for every extra five days)

o Used a trolling motor? (-10)

o Been in a gunwale-hopping race? (+3)

o Sank up to your waist in muskeg while portaging? (+4)

o Flipped in rapids? (+2; on a calm lake, -5)

o Paddled the river that passes through your hometown? (+5)

o Slept under a canoe in a rainstorm? (+2)

o Canoed with your spouse? (+1; remained married, +5)

o Paddled with your dog? (+5; paddled with your cat, -5; with your sheep, -10)

o Paddled a sprint canoe? (+2; stayed upright for more than 6 seconds, +4)

o Grabbed your gunwales in a rapid? (-5)

o Used your canoe for a little "extracurricular activity”? (+5)

o Rigged a sail from something other than a raincoat? (+1)

o Own (and use) a canoe pole? (+2)

o Canoed on the open ocean? (+3)

o Taken your nieces or nephews paddling? (+3)

o Ended up paddling your nieces and nephews? (-3)

o Wrapped a whitewater canoe? (-5; wrapped a Grumman, +2)

o Seen a gator from your canoe? (+5)

o Own a Deet-soaked bug jacket? (+1)

o Regularly coil your painter? (-2)

o Used a floatplane shuttle? (+4)

o Worn a plaid flannel shirt and pants at the same time? (-10)

Add ’Em Up: Canoeing Ranks:

1- 20 points: Boy Scout

20-55 points: Canadian

55+ points: Voyageur

Whitewater Kayaking

o Can you bow stall? (Score -2)

o Have you run the Upper Gauley? (+3); North Fork of the Payette? (+5)

o Swum out the bottom of a recirculating hole? (+2)

o Pulled someone out of a recirculating hole? (+6)

o Paddled a self-support trip? (+3; still brought a beer for camp, +4; (Fosters oilcan, +5))

o Forgotten your car keys at the put-in? (-5)

o Have you paddled a Dancer? (+1; paddled nothing but a Dancer, -5)

o Competed in a slalom race? (+1)

o Have you broken a kayak? (+4; if it’s someone else’s, -4)

o Competed in a rodeo? (+2)

o Judged a rodeo? (+3, made up the scores?, +5)

o Used the words "swap," "shred" and "gnar" in same sentence? (-3)

o Taken a swiftwater rescue course? (+15)

o Has your boat flown off your roof rack? (-3; -5 for every additional time)

o Have you nailed a split wheel? (+4; called it a Tricky Whu, -2)

o Do you have mild degree of exostosis? (+2; had your ear operated on, +4)

o Ever had giardia? (+3; +5 if you’ve never gotten rid of it)

o Glued a plastic animal to your helmet? (-3)

o Used a helicopter shuttle? (+3)

o Have you brought a breakdown and actually used it? (+2; had to complete the trip with half a broken paddle, -3)

o Paddled in the snow? (+3)

o Paddled on the snow (-10)

o Named a rapid (+4; because of a screw-up, -4)

o Paddled a slalom kayak? (+1)

o Forgotten your PFD at a put-in? (-3; gone anyway, -10)

o Done a mystery move? (+5)

o Starred in a whitewater video? (+7; if it’s Legend of Team C , +10)

o Put company stickers all over your gear? (-1 point for each; +5 if it’s a Paddler sticker)

o Portaged something when all your buddies ran it? (+5)

o Portaged something you usually run, because it just didn’t feel right? (+10)

o Run a 30-foot falls? (+3; -1 for every additional 10 feet)

o Paddled up to a raft and asked for food or beer? (+3)

o Showed up to camp too late to help unload because you were surfing? (+1)

o Performed a combat hand roll? (+4)

o Paddled in a foreign country other than Canada? (+2; add 1 point for each additional country)

o Been arrested in that country? (+15)

Add ’Em Up: Whitewater Kayaker Rank:

0-20 points: Pool Session Junkie

20-55: Rodeo Star

55+ points: Snyder brother

Sea Kayaking

o Do you own a glass or composite boat? (+1)

o Have you patched a glass or composite boat in the field? (+5)

o Patched a boat in the field using nothing but a PowerBar and pine pitch? (+10)

o Towed anyone to safety? (+3)

o Been towed to safety? (-3)

o Seen a whale fluke from your kayak? (+3; listened to them with a hydro-phone, +5)

o Performed a successful combat paddle float self-rescue? (+6)

o Paddled the length of the Baja Peninsula? (+40)

o Had your tent site get swamped by high tide? (-3)

o Made a 4-mile crossing? (+4; add 1 for every additional mile)

o Been on a 10-day trip? (+4; add 1 point for each additional five days)

o Can you Eskimo roll? (+2; without having to extend your paddle, +3)

o Have you rolled and come up with a jellyfish down your shirt? (-2)

o Do you use a rudder on a single? (-2)

o Urinated in a bilge pump? (+2; for spillage, -2)

o Forgotten to pull up your rudder when landing? (-2)

o Paddled through sea ice? (+5)

o Taken some glacial ice back to camp for drinks? (+2)

o Navigated through fog using a compass bearing and dead reckoning? (+8)

o Navigated through fog by praying, "Oh God, please get me out of this"? (-5)

o Circumnavigated Alcatraz? (+3; +2 for picking up escaped inmates)

o Seen a bear from your kayak? (+2)

o Seen bear tracks around camp in the morning? (+4)

o Seen claw marks on your hatch cover in the morning? (+6; if you stored your food in it, -10)

o Paddled through phosphorescence at night? (+5)

o Paddled through phosphorescence at daytime? (-5, and stay off those drugs)

o Do you own a sextant? (+2; if you can use it, +20)

o Own a GPS but still don’t know how to use it? (-5)

o Paddled in Alaska or Maine? (+2)

o Performed a surf launch? (+1; swamped while doing so, -3)

o Carry rescue flares? (+2; had to use them, -4)

o Had to use an EPIRB? (+5; accidentally activated it, -10)

o Surfed swell caused by a calving glacier? (+6)

o Caught a fish from your kayak? (+2; flipped while trying to land it -5)

o Foraged for shellfish because you love fresh seafood? (+5; because a leaky hatch ruined the Ramen noodles, -5)

o Stepped in over your rubber boot-top? (-1)

o Paddled into a sea cave? (+2: paddled back out, +3)

o Kayaked among Arctic seals? (+4)

o Harpooned Arctic seals from your kayak, (+100)

Add ’Em Up: Kayak Touring Ranking:

1-20 points: Rec Boater

20-55 points: Blue Water Specialist

55+ points: Greenlander

Rafting

o Rowed Lava Falls? (+20)

o Called a paddle an "oar"? (-20)

o Set up a Z-drag? (+2)

o Been on a private trip? (+1)

o Organized a private trip? (+5)

o Been on a 7-day trip? (+4; add 1 for every additional five days)

o Rafted Class V? (+2)

o Ever yelled "Wheee!" (-5)

o Have you been a commercial raft guide? (+1)

o Been "with" a commercial raft guide? (+5 for guys, -5 for gals)

o Stuffed a kayaker under your raft? (+3; +2 for running over a canoe)

o Exploded a boat from leaving it out in the sun? (-4)

o Successfully high-sided? (+4; successfully low-sided, -5)

o Popped an oar in a Class IV rapid? (+1; put it back in successfully, +3)

o Flipped a raft (+3; if you haven’t, don’t worry...you will)

o Still have everything firmly in place afterward? (+4; -1 for each piece of loose gear)

o Wrapped a raft (-4)

o Bashed your thumb knuckles while rowing? (+2; fixed them with duct tape, +3)

o Forgotten anything during a ranger shake-down (first-aid kit, patch kit, firepan, etc.) (-1)

o Cleaned a groover? (+6; always avoided groover duty -6)

o Have a raft float away from shore after you tied it? (-3; chased someone else’s raft after they tied it, +2)

o Own your own ammo can? (+2; +1 for every sticker)

o Ended a trip with more straps than you started with? (+1)

o Know how to tie a bowline? (+1; without saying "the rabbit comes out of the hole..." +3)

o Have you given a safety talk? (+2; +1 for every inserted joke)

o Jackknifed a trailer? (-3)

o Do you apply for river permits every year? (+5)

o Have you forgotten your river permit? (-10)

o Stitched a raft at camp? (+4; without piercing your finger, +5)

o Been tubing? (-3; if on the Zambezi +100)

o Filtered cowboy coffee with your teeth? (+2)

o Ripped off your oil pan on a shuttle? (+3)

o Made a firebomb at camp? (+1; gotten away without singed eyebrows, +2)

o Slept in the boat yard all season? (+5)

o Gotten more than a $5 tip? (+2; add 1 point for every additional $10)

o Tipped a guide? (+20)

o Used a river knife for something other than spreading peanut butter? (+3)

Add ’Em Up: Rafter Ranks:

1-20 points: Tuber

20-55 points: Raft Guide

55+ points: John Wesley Powell

The Grand Total

Now let’s see just what kind of paddler you really are:

Zero to 40 points: Rookie. You’ve seen some wildlife and spectacular sunsets, perhaps mastered your roll, but you probably still need to stick with your more experienced friends and tag along on commercial trips. Check the back of the magazine for paddling schools and sign up for some clinics.

40–100 points: Fanatic. Attaboy! You hit your first 4-point cartwheel or pulled off a solo weekend trip in the San Juans. You can buy used gear at the swap without consulting your buddies or getting ripped off. But you’re either a weekend warrior or too much of a junkie or snob to try other paddlesports. Lighten up and go out paddling with your family, or, alternatively, get some cajones and take a few risks.

100–170 points: Know-it-all. Paddling is your lifestyle. Your friends call you for help outfitting their boat or repairing their busted equipment, but people may be avoiding you at the club outings as your stories are getting a lit-tle long. We’ve heard both the Alaskan griz’ encounter and the Ecuadorian Portage from Hell about 10 times. And it’s probably time to think about getting married. More than 170 points: Slacker! You need to get a job, unless you’ve been a professional paddling guide, or Paddler editor, in which case, you need to get a job.