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< July / August 2000
	Hotline
Resort Retort A Guide's Guide to Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions the guides

Apparently, raft guides are quicker on their feet than their reputation would indicate. Proof lies in the following submissions to our Tourist Stupid Rafting Questions contest, and the responses hurled out by bored, tired, heard-it-all guides. Nothing against the mental aptitude of tourists, many of whom are doctors, lawyers, scientists and other contributing members of society. But it does show that even patrons with IQs of 200 can be at the preschool level when it comes to paddling. And it also shows that your average raft guide, when absolutely necessary, can hold his or her own with the best of them.

Q: Is this life jacket tight enough?

A: Can you still breathe?

Q: Do we end up where we started?

A: Yes ma'am, this is the only river on earth that

flows in a circle.

Q: Is that an eagle?

A: Um, no sir, eagles don't have fur.

Q: When do the deer turn into elk?

A: About the same time the elk turn into moose.

Q: What's all the white stuff on the mountain?

A: Styrofoam—to help protect climbers when they fall.

Q: Do the rocks go all the way to the bottom of

the river?

A: No, some of them float.

Q: How do those guys sit in that thing? (Looking

at a kayaker)

A: Oh, like a hurdler—with one leg in front and

one in back.

Q: What kind of rocks are those white rectangular ones?

A: The ones with iron rods sticking out? Those are the ruins of the ancient cement-ay civilization.

Q: What do you do in the winter?

A: I'm a fur trapper. (Or a witch doctor or a brain surgeon or whatever. Just be sure and lie.)

Q: Are we going to hit that rock?

A: No, I'm thinking it's going to move out of our way any second now.

Q: How deep is the river?

A: Can you see the bottom? "Yes." Can you see the top? "Yes." Then you tell me.

Q: Is there an ATM around here?

A: Sure, just around the next corner—in the cliff face.

Q: What makes these waves?

A: The cycles of the moon, just like ocean tides.

Q: Should I just throw my cigarette butt into the river?

A: No, it's trying to quit.

Q: How do you get the river back upstream?

A: We truck it back up at night. Less traffic.

Q: Where are the rails the raft rides on?

A: You can't see them. They're underwater.

Q: Why does that rock look like it's moving upstream?

A: Because it is. They actually spawn this time of year.

Q: Do you get paid well being a raft guide?

A: Not great, but between stock options, tips, health insurance, tips, our raft company's 401K plan and tips, I get by.

Q: How long have you been a raft guide?

A: Since yesterday. I was working in the dishroom

and the raft crew was short-handed and since I had experience with water and was off my medication they hired me on the spot.

Q: What are those tubes (pointing to flood culverts under the highway)?

A. Bear crossings—so they don't get hit by the cars

(or beaver crossings...if they're smaller tubes).

Q: How do you train the animals to come down to

the river?

A: It's a long process in cooperation with the Division

of Wildlife. Plus, we fence off all the other watering holes in the state.

—Contributed by a random collection of current and former river guides.